advertising a restaurant on the back of a $hitter is not cool

Appetizer: literally "apart from the [main] work") or the first course, are food items served before the main courses of a meal.^[2] The French (singular and plural) is hors d’œuvre. There are several related terms, such as a one-bite appetizer, an amuse-bouche

If that is the definition of appetizer then why do they keep bringing them to my table before or about 30 seconds before they bring my actual meal?

I have gotten to the point where I act like the only thing I am only going to eat is an appetizer in order to make sure I don’t have a dump load of food all at once.  Then I order my meal once I am done with the appetizer. 

This is a good trick – feel free to use it. 

I understanding that “*turning over” a table is a huge part of the restaurant business, but do you really want to piss off your diners?

There is a fine line between timing your meal components… and nobody likes to wait for their meal – even if you have had your appetizer.  So here is another hint: look around… if there are a lot of people and very few of them have dinner in front of them… there is going to be a wait. 

If you are the only person in line waiting for a table and you are waiting – you are going to wait.

If you are seated at a table that has not yet been completely cleared – you are going to wait.

If you don’t get your water and silver where right after you sit down – you are going to wait.

If they give you your water, appetizer and silver where and don’t come back for your drink order…. You are going to wait.

There is nothing wrong with getting up and leaving.  Don’t worry about their feelings.  You are the customer and they want you to like them and come back – leaving is a good sign for them to shape up.  Get a pair….

To be perfectly honest…. Even if you have had a drink or two and an appetizer and then left to linger for an extended period time – it’s ok to leave.  Put a little cash you have on the table.  They are not going to chase you down at the door.  They are too busy to even notice.

And if they do notice and confronted you then tell them that that you were waiting bla bla bla…. They hate that shit and usually melt with apologies and a gift card or something… you are in the power seat.  If you are a dude… then get macho and get-r-done.  If you are a chica then grab ahold of your inner bitch and show your date that you like to take control of dumb shit.  Either person.. it will help your sex life.  Who doesn’t like it when someone takes control (not counting 50 shades of Gray) from time to time? 

Sorry to burst anyone’s “love of chain restaurant” bubble but this mostly happens when you go to chain restaurants or restaurants that are themed as “American” fair and have a ton of televisions around off the walls.  And, if the restaurant has actual commercials – that is probably not a good sign.  Advertisements in Metro Mag, Mpls, St. Paul Mag, in a Playbill or a season brochure are usually safe and good eats.

*turning” a table is a calculation that restaurants use as a measuring point of how many people they can get in their restaurant per night based on how long they are open and how many tables they have.  Many times they like to “turn over” a table as frequently as they can so they can get as many customers through the restaurant as possible.

Obviously this is not ALWAYS the case – so I am not totally generalizing every restaurant this way.  But if you want a nice long meal to chat-up your date… then why not go to a good restaurant that isn’t focused on turning the table over and go to one that takes the time to focus their time on making a good meal? 

Just sayin’ 

BTW - is it good to eat at a restaurant that advertises on the back of a bathroom door?  Hmmmm...

    

Fat Italian Gramma: Helping Mother Nature - Go All The Way!!

Fat Italian Gramma: Helping Mother Nature - Go All The Way!!: 8:30AM on TPT 17 - I have watched Nick Stello’s” Cooking with Friends” for a few years now and he usually has some good recipes.   But t...

Helping Mother Nature - Go All The Way!!

8:30AM on TPT 17 - I have watched Nick Stello’s” Cooking with Friends” for a few years now and he usually has some good recipes.  But the show I watched today takes the cake.  I have never ever heard any other chef describe and talk about food in such an over-the-top “sexy talk” kind of way.  

It is so over-the top I decided to take an inventory of some of the things he said in just half of one episode about making shrimp pasta and crab/lobster burgers*. 

I would normally not take quotes out of context – but I think this guy wants you to take the comments out of the context of cooking – there is just something about the way he says it – that you know he is a freaky freak. I am fairly familiar with cooking vernacular and this just ain’t normal:

-         - Help Mother Nature go all the way

-          -Wonderful Juices

-         - If you feel like an athlete than you will do this and you will play with it until it is wetter

-         - Mingling and leaking juices

-          -Seduced by aroma

-         - That….I know it is about to come

-         - It scores points for me

-         - If you want to get crabs – you go get crabs

-        -  I will be your personal bowl holder

-         - How hot do you want it?

-         - I saw you look at them with Love

-         - I want to see the artistry come out – show me what I came to see

-          -Did you do this just for me?  I love the fact that I get exclusive billing in your creation –

-         - I am prepared for you – I am the king….. of spoons

-         - O my Gosh – you are absolutely fabulous

-         - Should I go this way, this way, or should I go this way?

-          -Are you having fun?  Would you like to come back?

And finally:

“by the way…this is something that I love to do – just looking sometime at a sauce cooking… putting itself together, going to the next stage – that is what makes me truly excited. “

www.Nickstellino.com ­ ­ - he is for rizzlze

*three quarters of this episode he had guest chef Michael Hillyer of the Capital Grille – and still…. He said this crazy shit while they were cooking together.  Must have  made that poor guy about ready to run out the back freakin’ door.    

Fat Italian Gramma: Brains Taste Like Crap

Fat Italian Gramma: Brains Taste Like Crap: It’s been a very long time since I last blogged.   Life has been crazy and a matter of fact – I am typing using my router and Wi-Fi on ...

Brains Taste Like Crap

It’s been a very long time since I last blogged.  Life has been crazy and a matter of fact – I am typing using my router and Wi-Fi on the can.  No seriously – that is how I found the time to do this.

So, while on the subject of crap and other things associated I have something to say about how crappy a pigs head tastes.  My sister and I went to the Sample Room recently and I am not saying anything about the rest of their food – I have been there more than once and it was really a good experience.

Two spots opened up at the bar so we decided to just sit/eat at the bar.  The bar-tender or “mixologist” as one with culinarily refined language would say – was a douche bag.  We need to know some specifics so we didn’t over or under order – especially having somewhere to go when we were done.  So – said Bartender was also our waiter and we had to wait until he was done getting everyone and their mother drinks before he made his way to our end of the bar.  This didn’t bother me in the least.

What did bother me was when I asked him details about the food and he acted like I was a stupid first-timer not knowing what I was getting into.  A) everyone is a first timer at some point and B) it’s your freakin’ job to make us happy when we are your customers.  As much as a bartender wants to be Dear Abby or Dr. Melfi – you are still working so don’t be an ass and make your customers feel stupid.   – Cause’ they just might blog about it!!

BTW-I just flushed and washed my hands.

So back to what I was saying…. the bartender acted like I was stupid when I asked specific questions –for example: I asked him if the Souvied & Braised pigs head was too much for one person – and if not, what would he recommend to accompany the pigs head.  You would have thought I asked for Ketchup to coat over my fillet minion.

Now two things are going on here – 1) I am ordering a freakin’ pigs head and 2) what the hell are they doing when they say Souvied/braised pigs head.  That question matters to me because preparation can have a huge impact on how it turns out.  With anything – not just a pigs head.

So # 1 – ordering a pigs head: yes we did. Both my sister and I decided to give it a try.  We had our Andrew Zimmern moment and it ended up tasting like the smell of a barn yard.  Some pieces were worse than others – the cheek was just fine, the tongue was tolerable but the brain – well I had a really hard time even swallowing it.  And… the taste it left in my mouth lingered so long I ate an entire box of altoids before the night was over.  The texture was intolerable and it had a barn yard funk that wouldn’t go away. I now have post-tramatic syndrome…. Every time I see a souvied & braised pig head I get dizzy and feel like I am going to toss my cookies.J/K

On top of the whole carnal nature of tearing and cutting up something like a head. If you are going to eat the tongue – then you will need to work your way around or through the teeth and chin.  And I was a little disappointed that they removed the eye – because I have always wanted to say “In a pigs eye – you a$$ hole!) and actually know what I am talking about and add the extra snobby burn.

#2 – how did they souvie and braise the thing.  Here is the lesson part of this blog: to souvie typically means to package it up so it is water proof and put it in a bath of moving water that is set to a specific temperature.  MANY restaurants do this because they can get your meal done well in advance and once it is ordered they just toss it on a grill/pan/oven to crisp things up a bit and you are good to go.  It is a good technique that works well in most cases – I’d love to have one at home but they are terribly expensive.

The whole braising part was a mystery for me.  I usually add liquid to something and bake it for a really long time – until it falls apart.  Much like the “what what is in the butt post”.  But the skin was so crunchy and stiff they must have performed some kind of voodoo sanitaria on it before bringing it to us – cause I don’t think you get a crisp outcome if you don’t do something hot and serious.  Let me know if I am wrong.  I am open to suggestions.  

So, maintaining my veneer of  kindness :-) and not wanting to be rude - once we were done we got a "doggie" box because there was a lot left.  But it was literally for our dog(s).  I was sure that Herk (my family dog) would eat the ear (little stubby hairs and all) - but I was not certain about my dog *Teensia Maria Guadeloupe Escobar nibbling on a little tongue and cheek action. 

I ended up having a long and crazy night so I didn't remember that I had a pigs-head doggie bag on the floor of my back seat.  Then it got kinda' warm outside.  And I ended up getting busier and  ran out of brain-space to remember simple things like doggie bags.  And I had a cold.  But I will tell you this - after about three days - pigs head will start to smell and it won't go away!!!!

 

Sweat Stuff Baby

Interesting Sweat Food Facts and pointers of the Holiday season 2011-2012

-          Trader Joe’s doesn’t use enough corn starch in their confectioners’ sugar – so it gets lumpy.  Looks nice and fluffy in the bag but once you go to use it you get a bunch of pebbles that never really go away – your effort to crumble them up will lead to more chunks.  So – my learning was that I should just stick with the regular good stuff that your gramma used. 

-          The difference between regular, dark and light brown sugar is molasses.  So, if you are out of brown sugar – and just so happen to have some Molasses on hand – slowly drizzle some Molasses in your sugar.  The technical note: Dark Brown Sugar is 6.5 % Molasses and Light is 3.5%. So 1 tbsp. of Molasses for light brown sugar and 2 tbsp. of Molasses for dark brown – add this amount to one cup of sugar

-          To make one cup of Superfine Sugar – toss one cup of sugar plus one2 tsp. of sugar into a food processor and grind it up so it is more fine – the yield should be one even cup.

-          To make your own Confectioners’ sugar you toss 1 cup of sugar plus 1 tsp. of corn starch into a blender and grind for three min. strain it to remove any chunks – this will produce one cup of confectioners’ sugar

-          Did you know that Molasses is a byproduct of the sugar refining process?  Yup – they take that dark stuff out and do other unholy things in their sugar laboratory and poof – from a burnt up sugar cain you have molasses and pretty white sugar.  Which then are all tossed together again in your mixer to make cookies.  I am sure that those unholy practices include using the sugar beet plant to beat up the Keebler gnomes and make middle school children cut their nails just a tad too short so they sting when you grip things for a few days.  Don’t feel bad for them – they are middle school kids… they are earned it in some form or fashion.

-          Color definitly indicates the depth of flavor of honey. Wholefood market offers an apple honey – it’s all apples and no bee crap.  And it tastes like honey – even better.  I love the stuff.  I mix a crap load of it into goat cheese and spread it on crusty bread – it’s the bomb schmitzers!

-          Turbinado and or/ Raw and or Demaerara sugar is the shit.  I love the stuff in my coffee and tea and on any sweet thing that you think could benefit from some little light brown crystal diamonds.  It takes some time to dissolve so keep that in mind when you decide what to mix it into or sprinkle it onto.  It’s actually a by-product residue of making sugar where some of the molasses is left in the sugar.  It’s been called Turbinado sugar because the processing includes being steam washed and spun in a turbine.

-           Despite the fact that they tell you to weigh out your ingredients, to sift out stuff and to pay mind to only folding things into dough a couple of times (leaving big chunks???) I don’t do most of this stuff and most of my stuff seems to work out fine.  Having that been said – I have never baked anything spectacular – as a matter of fact I am only marginally into baking.  So, if you find yourself REALLY REALLY into baking you should probably consider following the directions actually and dusting off your weight watchers scale and buy a sifter and use it to weigh and sift things out.  Make your own laboratory and find something to sacrifice in the name of the sugar gods and see what kind of great things you can bake.  I suggest putting a middle school child in the shower and chucking eggs as them – sacrifice the eggs in the name of the sugar gods.  After all most – middle school kids and tweens cold use a good egg beating. 

Smack that Easy Button

I have down-right bragged about my neighborhoold and the fact that it is close to a foodies paradise.  Imagine something you want to cook, smack the easy button and walk down the street. 

We have Lunds,  Kowalskie’s,  Trader Joes, The Cheese Chop, Mississippi Market, Coastal Sea Foods, The,  Olive Grove, Cooks on Crocus kill – to name a few.  We gave up about 1000, square feet of house, a large yard, a home built after the 1920’s, closet space, dry basement….let me think for a minute and I can come up with more – o ya the houses cost about twice as much as one three time the size in the burbs.  There is no 3^rd garage for you refurbishing trans-am project or a need for a riding lawn mower or snow blower but people will give up over half their yard for a rain-barrel, mulch bin and “organic” vegetable garden.  Leaving just enough room for their native plant garden. 

So you have to want to live in Highland/MacGroveland (or have a husband who has his real-estate license, broker’s license, no contingencies and creep into a double flipped foreclosure right across the street who’s general contractor is a drunk and blabs on and on about the previous foreclosure etc.,).  So given all of that it takes a special person to make the sacrifice to live here.  But the benefits outweigh the draw backs – we have like 100 (seriously) restaurants within 5 miles or us, we have quick simple access to all of the major highways.  We are smack between Mpls and St. Paul and a stone’s throw from the capital, Ordway, Wabasha Caves, Como area, Science Museum and have their own covered famers market where people actually grow their veg. and sell it instead of buying it from another state and selling it.  We can walk to two different vintage theatres and they have super strict rules on fast food restaurants.  We don’t have a McDonalds in our hood.  Noodles wanted to move into the space where the Italian Pie Shop used to be but they awarded the space to Brasa instead!  Whoot whoot!

We have a great shopping district on Grand Avenue, the neighborhood is bubbling over with private education and universities/colleges and for the most part the folks around here are good, honest, organic, love their trees, adopt children from 3^rd world country and the worst crime in the neighborhood is usually graffiti or some frat boy rockin’ down Summit naked on a tandem bike.  (this did happen!). 

Yesterday I learned that the owners of Morton’s Steak House, Tria and the Twin Cities grill opened up a restaurant just south of Randolph on Snelling.  It’s called Joan’s in The Park. They only do dinner and the average meal is around $30 per person.  I don’t know if that includes wine – they only have a wine and liquor license. I reviewed the menu and it looks pretty darn good and I am hoping they do some specials with ingredients that are seasonal. 

Now that I am done bragging I need to make room for a few other neighborhoods – like Mpls – there is no doubt a ton of these same amenities, just more spread out.  The restaurant Travail was named the 5^th best restaurant in the nation by bon appetite!  There are also some really great little joints in each general neighborhood.  Accept for Fridley j/k.  When I take a special trip to the boonies I am typically surprised because it takes a very special person with very special skills to take a risk and open up a nice restaurant (not necessarily $$$) in an area where people would probably opt for a BW3 or Olive Garden.

So check out Joan’s In the Park when you get a chance or take a day trip to Highland.  I promise you won’t be let down!