Sweat Stuff Baby

Interesting Sweat Food Facts and pointers of the Holiday season 2011-2012

-          Trader Joe’s doesn’t use enough corn starch in their confectioners’ sugar – so it gets lumpy.  Looks nice and fluffy in the bag but once you go to use it you get a bunch of pebbles that never really go away – your effort to crumble them up will lead to more chunks.  So – my learning was that I should just stick with the regular good stuff that your gramma used. 

-          The difference between regular, dark and light brown sugar is molasses.  So, if you are out of brown sugar – and just so happen to have some Molasses on hand – slowly drizzle some Molasses in your sugar.  The technical note: Dark Brown Sugar is 6.5 % Molasses and Light is 3.5%. So 1 tbsp. of Molasses for light brown sugar and 2 tbsp. of Molasses for dark brown – add this amount to one cup of sugar

-          To make one cup of Superfine Sugar – toss one cup of sugar plus one2 tsp. of sugar into a food processor and grind it up so it is more fine – the yield should be one even cup.

-          To make your own Confectioners’ sugar you toss 1 cup of sugar plus 1 tsp. of corn starch into a blender and grind for three min. strain it to remove any chunks – this will produce one cup of confectioners’ sugar

-          Did you know that Molasses is a byproduct of the sugar refining process?  Yup – they take that dark stuff out and do other unholy things in their sugar laboratory and poof – from a burnt up sugar cain you have molasses and pretty white sugar.  Which then are all tossed together again in your mixer to make cookies.  I am sure that those unholy practices include using the sugar beet plant to beat up the Keebler gnomes and make middle school children cut their nails just a tad too short so they sting when you grip things for a few days.  Don’t feel bad for them – they are middle school kids… they are earned it in some form or fashion.

-          Color definitly indicates the depth of flavor of honey. Wholefood market offers an apple honey – it’s all apples and no bee crap.  And it tastes like honey – even better.  I love the stuff.  I mix a crap load of it into goat cheese and spread it on crusty bread – it’s the bomb schmitzers!

-          Turbinado and or/ Raw and or Demaerara sugar is the shit.  I love the stuff in my coffee and tea and on any sweet thing that you think could benefit from some little light brown crystal diamonds.  It takes some time to dissolve so keep that in mind when you decide what to mix it into or sprinkle it onto.  It’s actually a by-product residue of making sugar where some of the molasses is left in the sugar.  It’s been called Turbinado sugar because the processing includes being steam washed and spun in a turbine.

-           Despite the fact that they tell you to weigh out your ingredients, to sift out stuff and to pay mind to only folding things into dough a couple of times (leaving big chunks???) I don’t do most of this stuff and most of my stuff seems to work out fine.  Having that been said – I have never baked anything spectacular – as a matter of fact I am only marginally into baking.  So, if you find yourself REALLY REALLY into baking you should probably consider following the directions actually and dusting off your weight watchers scale and buy a sifter and use it to weigh and sift things out.  Make your own laboratory and find something to sacrifice in the name of the sugar gods and see what kind of great things you can bake.  I suggest putting a middle school child in the shower and chucking eggs as them – sacrifice the eggs in the name of the sugar gods.  After all most – middle school kids and tweens cold use a good egg beating. 

Smack that Easy Button

I have down-right bragged about my neighborhoold and the fact that it is close to a foodies paradise.  Imagine something you want to cook, smack the easy button and walk down the street. 

We have Lunds,  Kowalskie’s,  Trader Joes, The Cheese Chop, Mississippi Market, Coastal Sea Foods, The,  Olive Grove, Cooks on Crocus kill – to name a few.  We gave up about 1000, square feet of house, a large yard, a home built after the 1920’s, closet space, dry basement….let me think for a minute and I can come up with more – o ya the houses cost about twice as much as one three time the size in the burbs.  There is no 3^rd garage for you refurbishing trans-am project or a need for a riding lawn mower or snow blower but people will give up over half their yard for a rain-barrel, mulch bin and “organic” vegetable garden.  Leaving just enough room for their native plant garden. 

So you have to want to live in Highland/MacGroveland (or have a husband who has his real-estate license, broker’s license, no contingencies and creep into a double flipped foreclosure right across the street who’s general contractor is a drunk and blabs on and on about the previous foreclosure etc.,).  So given all of that it takes a special person to make the sacrifice to live here.  But the benefits outweigh the draw backs – we have like 100 (seriously) restaurants within 5 miles or us, we have quick simple access to all of the major highways.  We are smack between Mpls and St. Paul and a stone’s throw from the capital, Ordway, Wabasha Caves, Como area, Science Museum and have their own covered famers market where people actually grow their veg. and sell it instead of buying it from another state and selling it.  We can walk to two different vintage theatres and they have super strict rules on fast food restaurants.  We don’t have a McDonalds in our hood.  Noodles wanted to move into the space where the Italian Pie Shop used to be but they awarded the space to Brasa instead!  Whoot whoot!

We have a great shopping district on Grand Avenue, the neighborhood is bubbling over with private education and universities/colleges and for the most part the folks around here are good, honest, organic, love their trees, adopt children from 3^rd world country and the worst crime in the neighborhood is usually graffiti or some frat boy rockin’ down Summit naked on a tandem bike.  (this did happen!). 

Yesterday I learned that the owners of Morton’s Steak House, Tria and the Twin Cities grill opened up a restaurant just south of Randolph on Snelling.  It’s called Joan’s in The Park. They only do dinner and the average meal is around $30 per person.  I don’t know if that includes wine – they only have a wine and liquor license. I reviewed the menu and it looks pretty darn good and I am hoping they do some specials with ingredients that are seasonal. 

Now that I am done bragging I need to make room for a few other neighborhoods – like Mpls – there is no doubt a ton of these same amenities, just more spread out.  The restaurant Travail was named the 5^th best restaurant in the nation by bon appetite!  There are also some really great little joints in each general neighborhood.  Accept for Fridley j/k.  When I take a special trip to the boonies I am typically surprised because it takes a very special person with very special skills to take a risk and open up a nice restaurant (not necessarily $$$) in an area where people would probably opt for a BW3 or Olive Garden.

So check out Joan’s In the Park when you get a chance or take a day trip to Highland.  I promise you won’t be let down!

Something Smells Fishy in my Drawers

I won’t eat a anchovy out of a jar or a can or what ever.  I will however eat smoked oysters from a can and if someone is nice enough to de-bone mackerel I will eat that too.  I especially like these items on triscuits for some reason.  Add a little bit of honey spun goat cheese and you are really in business.  I am stating this with my head held tall and with no shame.  I have a bumber of cans in my can good drawer.
but, let’s face it – if your mom sent you to school with a can of kippered snacks to school you would be exiled from the rest of the kids and would be eating alone for the rest of your school career – probably the whole damn 12 grades.  Forever you would be called “fisheypants” and when you go to your reunions the first thing anyone will think when they see you is “there is fisheypants”. 

But secretly there are a lot of people to eat them.  Not just people from 3^rd world countries that have no other choice or outback hermits collecting them as part of their check list of things to do until the revolution.   I eat them from time to time but wouldn’t exactually want to eat them for an extended period of time – especially if I didn’t have my triscuits.

Here is my list of times when it would be embarrassing to eat canned preserved fish:

-          On the buss – what if it opended up?  What would I say?  Sorry that’s my kippered snack in my lunch bag?  Probably, not I would just give my neighbor a suspicious look

-          At work?  Can you imagine the looks if you heat it up?  The whole lunch room would smell like fish.  Then you put the container in the garbage and the custodian has to hold his nose when he takes the garbage out.  God forbit he not take it out for a few days and it sits around. 

-          Getting caught hiding one under your dip-shit boss’s bucket seat

-          When you check out at the grocery store – because the check-out folks are people – and like most they will judge and they do remember people… I know this for a fact because my neighbor works at lunds.  Then after all of that you have to deal with the bag-boy looking at you like you are a total freak of nature.

-          You share it with someone who actually asks what it tastes like and they throw it up into a napkin.

-          You feed some to your kid and then you later change their diaper and it makes a re appearance – strangly smelling like it was fresh out of the can.

Ok, maybe I am going a little bit over-board here.  But a home is a woman’s castle and I will proudly crack open my can of smoked oysters and eat them with pride.   Alone- at home – with the shades drawn.

On a side note – canned oysters and sardeens are EXTREEMLY popular and EXTREEMLY expensive in most European countries – espically in Spain and Italy where some of the most posh tapa bars sell some varities for as much as 500 eurios a can.  Most of the top checks in the world eat them, like them and use them in their cooking.  It’s also an incredibly common ingredient in Ceasar Salad.  If you ask the server first they will either say yes, or say no because they are TOTALLY WRONG. 

So, I have this wee little recipe that uses anchovy’s – it’s a gateway anchovy’s recipe because it doesn’t end up tasting anything like anchovy’s –but somehow imparts a deep salty savory flavor into the sauce that can’t be achieved in any other way.  Kind of like fish sauce in just about every single Thai dish you have ever eaten.  Ever.

If you like Italian food you will totally love this – I guarantee it.  I have made it tons of times for a variety of different people and everyone loves it.

Spaghetti Putenesca

3 Olive Oil

½ jar of Alesso brand oil packed anchovy’s (you can use other brands but I recommend this one)

5 cloves diced garlic

3 cans of *Chento brand stewed or whole tomatoes – the large can

1 tsp red pepper flakes

1 tbsp salt

1 tbsp dry oregano or ½ cup fresh oregano

1 jar of capers
1 jar of roasted sweet red peppers

1 cup of olives (I skip this because I don’t really like olives and it doesn’t matter green or white) leave them whole for a more rustic experience

1lb or Barilla brand noodles – NOT creamette or any other value brand

I like using a large shallow fry pan that has 90 degree angle sides – but a large sauce pan is fine too.

Sautee the anchovies in three tbsp. of oil.  The anchovy’s will totally disappear. I also like to put some of the anchovy oil into the pan.  Once they disappear put the garlic in and sauté till soft.  Add in the cans of tomatoes (along with the juice) and the peppers (not with the juice) and oregano.  Simmer for 45min.  Add the drained capers and the olives and simmer for another 15-30min. depending on how much time you have.  Serve of noodles!  Refer to my blog about noodles.

*I like Cento because they are San Marzano from the Marzano valley – this is what they use at Punch pizza and numerous Italian restaurants like Bucca’s.  It’s not hard to fine – they sell it at Lunds, Byerlys,, Kowalski’s  and of all places Walmart in Marhsall MN!!!  You don’t have to use this – but it really adds that extra something something.  You can also quick poach skin and dice up fresh tomatoes – about 2.4 lbs should do.   

Enjoy!

Just like Norm from Cheers only not an over weight alcoholic

I am not in the mood to have shame about being a total Diva when the fish guys at my local fish market knows my name when I walk in the door, announce they have my favorite Kumamoto Oysters and then gives me 15 instead of the 12 I actually paid for.  I will be honest… I totally love it and am fully aware that these feelings are at the peak or narcissistic behavior but I just can’t help myself…

I consider Kumamot’s a “gateway” oyster.  It’s not too fishy, not to briny, just enough body, no slime just enough sea/oyster water and is actually rather sweet.   If you were so so on other types of oysters give this kind a try the next time around and I think you will be pleasantly surprised.  I like them with ONE drop of red tobacco sauce and a liberal squeeze of FRESH lemon.  This is no time to use a lemon substitute for god’s sake. 

Is it work it?  I tend to cut, scrape or jab myself at least one time for each dozen oysters I chuck…. I use an oyster knife to open, I hold onto it with a towel and cover my hand with another towel, I clean the sand and junk out of the hinge crack so that doesn’t get in the way or slide into the oyster when you open it – thereby leaving a bunch of crap in your oyster when you go to eat it.  And, of course I open it at the hinge which can sometimes be challenging to find.  But is it worth it?  Hellzz yaaa it’s worth it.  But not every weekend.

I learned this technique when the fish buy let me back behind the counter and showed me how.  And this invitation had absolutely NOTHING to do with how low cut my shirt was, that a little bit of my bra was showing and I was wearing go-go pants with high see-through heals.  Just kidding.  But in all fairness – being a foodie does mean that I have respect for people in the food industry and some of those mongers are pretty easy on the eyes too ;-)

Fat Italian Gramma: It’s like scratching the itch I have had on my bac...

Fat Italian Gramma: It’s like scratching the itch I have had on my bac...: . Ok this one is interesting. I love Anthony Bourdain …hell - I want the balls to walk into a restaurant in Namibia serving fried goat t...

It’s like scratching the itch I have had on my back-side since I was born

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Ok this one is interesting.  I love Anthony Bourdain …hell  - I want the balls to walk into a restaurant in Namibia serving fried goat testicles and those powdered donuts you see all the kids running around with all over their *face.  I also think his book is pretty good to.  I mean- how would I know that checks routinely have sex in the chiller on top of the usually innocuous bib lettuce and brownschweiger if not for his book?  Or that “jizz” is kitchen short hand for mise en place?

Now we have Paula Dean.  She reminds me of my gramma so I think she is wonderful.  My gramma loved her cooking and Paula doesn’t always simplify, water down or basically treat people like a moron and ensuring them that it is quick and easy, that you can use short cuts, use less than 5 ingredients to make it or for god sakes in under 30 minutes with a dab of smoky cumin and some EVOO. 

I bit into a fantastic bar of pumpkin with cobbler topping and chunks of caramel/toffee that about made my teeth pull up root and hop down my throat to get away from the hellish overload of butter and sugary sugar sugar.  I also appreciate that she is a woman business owner, seems like a great mom/gramma/wife and generally has a kind attitude and a lot of drive.

But here is the down side… I don’t really like that she takes part in those freaking food competitions and at this point does not have a show on COOK in addition to (or preferably in place of) her shows on FOOD.  And selling out to that ham company and schlepping hams all over town is beneath her. 

And, if I have not mentioned this recently I think FOOD network sucks sucks sucks. There remains not one single show that I will watch on the network and when I channel surf and see all of the stupid food competitions like cupcake wars or some roided up jar head choosing on his own validation to be “challenged” to cook a meal for 500- people in the middle of an air-port hanger in the desert with nothing to use but bugs and his own bodily fluid with a blind Labrador retriever as his “robin” to get the job done…. I say: “Holy food competition batman this show sucks!!”

So to this whole situation I say this: leave Paula to her bacon glazed doughnut and Anthony to his cereal bowl of pee.  It was good publicity to both of them and I love the drama cause it brings attention to the real gritty visceral side of cooking where it ought to be instead of kim kardashians and her sisters stupid ass wedding.  I am sure Anthony isn’t perfect but at this point I agree with him so much that if I knew of a short-coming I would overlook it because he is keeping it real and being honest. 

On a final note – here are a few quotes from Anthony’s recent People Article: Watching Sandra Lee cook makes Anthony’s eyes bleed,  a cheese burger between donuts is no “southern cooking”, Rachel can be quoted as saying she was never good at cooking, Guy Fieri makes Anthony think “ Jesus, I’m glad that’s not me.”  Hearing Anthony Bordaine say these things was like scratching an itch that I have had on my back-side since the first time I realized the bathroom was for going “potty” and the kitchen is for cooking food.

*(It’s just a joke people – this is supposed to funny – if you can’t handle my brand of joke then find another blog to read)

Bacon bacon bacon it's BACON!!

It’s been over two months since the last time I posted!  Thank you for coming back!!

I went to Walker and spent almost three weeks at the cabin and it was totally awesome.  There were a few cooking related instances to note.  The first being that I actually went out and bought a peeler knife and a 10 inch chef’s knife.  I just couldn’t stand the ones they had there and wasn’t going to take it for three whole weeks!  I know they were appreciated because anytime someone else cooked they used them.

I was able to sample some food that my cousin made – he is a chef and I have always wanted to talk to someone about cooking while they are cooking and I got my chance.  I am sure I was totally annoying because I asked him and talked about nothing but cooking for like 4 days in a row.  I couldn’t help myself!

So my cousin made bacon pancakes one morning and they were surprisingly good.  I do like the way the bacon tastes when it runs a foul and bumps into the pancakes – but never at the guts to mess with my pancakes.  It’s hard to try something new when you know that it would work out 100% perfect if you do what you always and know how to do.  The chance of screwing it up – especially y for company really detours me from doing that. 

It was surprising simple. He diced up the bacon into about 1 inch by ½ inch pieces and then sautéed them until they were crispy – this is important because having little chunks of fatty flaccid bacon is totally disgusting!! I don’t like flaccid things….

He put the bacon bits into the batter along with some of the bacon fat.  When he went to cook the pancakes he brushed some of the reserved bacon fat on the griddle and that infused another layer of delicious baconey goodness. 

Since we are taking about sweet breakfast items I have a recommendation: In the organic section of the grocery store they have mini blueberry waffles – they are perfect for messy little kids.  I went to the golden fit on grand avenue and purchased some maple syrup sugar and after applying butter on the waffles I sprinkle that delicious stuff on the waffle and I don’t have to worry about my son making a huge mess like he does with normal syrup but I don’t rob him from the chance to taste maple syrup.  Righteous!